Who am I to Say
by Goddess369
Summary: Hephaistion has a void which only one thing, or person, can fill. He doesn't know what it is yet, but he'll soon find out...


It's been raining for five days, with little to no breaks in between. Not that I mind, rain is a necessary part of weather…but five days? Perhaps the Gods are weeping. But nothing tragic has happened; we are a prosperous nation, Aristotle made no comments concerning it, Alexander is well…

I blush at my boyish thoughts. The Gods would not weep so much for one person-but then, Alexander is no ordinary person. And if I were a God, _I_ would weep for him. Is this strange? Even if it is, I've found that I really can't help these thoughts. As Alexander and I have gone through these years of adolescence, we have not only grown _up_ together, but we have also _grown together_, if that makes sense. Our relationship has molded and intertwined so that I do not believe I can even imagine a life without him and, hopefully, he feels the same about me.

Lately, though, I feel rather restless when I am around Alexander. It really is bothersome, for whom can I feel comfortable around if not my closest companion? But the thing that annoys me most is…I don't know _why_ I feel this way. It's as if I want _more_; a void that has yet to be filled is inside me. I have even felt sexually frustrated in his presence. It's an extremely trying emotion, and I am anxious to discover a name for it. So I recently decided that until I do I should discreetly avoid being with Alexander when I can.

But I've noticed changes in him, too. He recently had his nineteenth birthday. Ever since that day Alexander has behaved…oddly. Not unkindly, but at times he will part his lips as though to speak and then shut them and I wonder what he has been holding back. Or other times when he will put a friendly arm around me but, for some reason, decide against it and pull away. As if he's remembering his place. This is amusing because I have never scolded him for such contact. Why should I? We know more about each other than any other ever will.

Maybe his mother is part of it, or his father? There are a number of people with influence in Alexander's life. Aristotle, Cleitus, Cassander...me. Me. Hephaistion. Perhaps Alexander's behavior towards _me_ is, in fact, because of _me_.

A quiet panic starts within me. I have done nothing wrong that I know of. But what if I have unknowingly offended Alexander? Is that what he has been holding back? To tell me what I have done? Or something I have not done? Oh, Gods, how could I not have seen this coming? How could they allow me to see and yet be so blind?

Before I can delve into this further, the door to my room opens and, of course, Alexander walks in. He smiles, and the rain momentarily disappears.

"Enjoying the weather, Phai'?" And the rain is back again.

I look at him from my bed, where I've been lounging on my back.

"Of course, I always enjoy hours of boredom in my room. Didn't you know that?"

He grins and tilts his head. I shall never tire of this habit.

"Would you mind if I joined you? Perhaps together we may conquer this boredom."

I sigh dramatically. "Who am I to say no to his majesty?"

He says nothing and lies on his back to my right. The rain is particularly fierce tonight, and for a while we share silence, merely listening to the sounds of thunder and droplets hitting the ground. It is something friends do. There is nothing scandalous about it. I should be content. But I am not.

I suddenly register the sound of his breathing. When he first came in, I am almost sure he was taking steady breaths at a steady tempo, but it has somehow since then become more random. Shakier, as though he was anxious. What has he to be anxious about?

I want to turn my head to look at him, but then he would turn his to look back at me. Then I would feel obligated to say something for gaining his attention. And what would I say? _'I noticed that you seem rather nervous…not because I'm listening to you breath or anything…'_ Yes, I'm sure that would go over well.

"My parents are worried that I will not produce an heir."

That was unexpected. He doesn't look at me, so I keep my eyes fixed on the ceiling as well.

"Why is that? You are not even king." I know in my mind before the words are even out that they will offend him.

I turn my head and look at him; he does the same. His expression is one of surprise; his eyes reveal being hurt. I was right in my assumption. A quiet panic consumes me again and I quickly make to correct my error.

"Please forgive me, Alexander, I merely meant that you are not _yet _king and should therefore not have to worry about such matters - I should have chosen my words more carefully-"

He has put a finger to my lips. The look of hurt is gone from his eyes and he smirks.

"It is alright, Hephaistion, calm yourself. Even if you had meant something else, you are always one of the few I allow to speak freely on everything."

Even though he has finished speaking, his hand remains where it is. I say nothing, if only because I am physically kept from doing so. Then his hand moves. His fingers go to slide across my cheek from my mouth to my jaw line, a thumb from my chin to my lips where it lightly brushes across and continues to…caress there? I suppose that is the only satisfactory way of describing it.

As this was happening Alexander's smirk disappeared. In his eyes there was a new gleam, one I'd never seen from him. It'd never been directed at me, at least. He eyed me almost like he did a dancer.

I had stayed silent, not thinking to question him, only questioning myself. And when the thought of the dancer hit me, my mouth parted in a short gasp. His thumb stops; his hand falls away as realization seems to hit Alexander. Whatever magic was brewing, I just killed it. I want to ask him why he did that, why he stopped when he did, but the more pressing thought is that I wish he hadn't stopped. This almost scares me.

Alexander looks scared too, perhaps scared of my reaction. So I make it simple for both of us.

"Why are your parents concerned?"

He appears confused, then remembers what we were talking of before and chuckles. It sounds forced, but I make no comment because I force a grin in reply. He looks toward the ceiling again, but I make no such effort. If he is uncomfortable with this he holds his tongue.

"Oh yes, an heir…" He trails off, his eyes unfocused. I wait maybe a minute before making him remember that I am here.

"Alexander."

"They know I do not need one yet, but nevertheless I will in time." He continues as if our conversation was never broken. In my head I am smiling.

"Then what is the problem?"

"They feel…that I have no desire." He seems to be having a difficult time choosing his words, let alone talking about this, and for this reason alone I do not laugh at the statement.

"…No desire?" I could not help it. My voice cracked. And as soon as it did, the uncontrollable laughter started. Alexander turned his head to glare, which only made it worse, so I brought up my hand to cover my mouth but it really did no good. I was long gone.

I don't even know why it was so funny. Alexander without desire? That would be like his mother without snakes, his father without the title of 'King', me without blue eyes- it simply didn't make sense. Then there were all of the unknown emotions swimming inside me, and with the tension thrown in between the two of us, I think I needed an outlet for it all. I needed one badly, and laughing is probably the safest way for it.

By the time laughter had finally subsided to the occasional giggle, my stomach muscles ached terribly.

I look at Alexander. "My stomach hurts." I didn't mean to sound like a child about it, but I must have, because he finally allows himself to laugh too. It lasts only a few moments, but it is at least sincere.

He looks at me again and grins. "I'm sure it does."

I grin back. Laughter often leaves one feeling giddy.

"So Alexander has no desire in his parents' eyes?"

Alexander bites his lip. "It's not that they think I have _none_, it's just that they feel it is for the wrong people."

"The wrong people?"

"Yes, the wrong people meaning…those of the same gender."

My mouth is dry. "Oh?"

He nods, blushing deeply. "My father has not said anything this specific, but my mother accuses me of being in love…with you."

He turns to rest on his side now, still facing me, but I find myself to be paralyzed. He goes on.

"I have spent the past few weeks wondering if she was or was not correct."

He leans over me slightly. I swallow. I'm fairly certain my heart is beating loudly enough for him to hear it.

"And what did you conclude?"

Alexander's gaze is so intense, so piercing. I lick my lips in anticipation. His hand comes up and under my head to run fingers through my hair, and I pray that I can keep my trembling to a minimum.

"I found that I am. Very much so. And now there is only one more question that has plagued me."

I already know what he's going to say.

"Do you love me nearly as much as I do you?"

And I had already known my answer.

"Even more so."

His lips are upon mine so quickly that at first I did not notice how tight his grip on my hair had become. I could think only of the warm and wondrous sensation that kissing was able to give me. Or perhaps it was only because the kiss came from Alexander.

Things moved quickly from there. I hardly even remember getting rid of our tunics, just roaming hands, body heat, showered kisses, approving moans…and, of course, desire…

I was on top of him when he said it, kissing his neck. We'd constantly been experimenting with what felt good to both of us, and I was currently doing so by fondling him. A pull here, a squeeze there, when I suddenly hear him whisper heatedly in my ear.

"Oh gods, Hephaistion, just _take_ me…"

And I paused here. I'm not sure why, but for some reason I had just assumed that it would be him taking me, not the other way around. Alexander senses my discomfort and takes hold of my chin, pulling up gently so that I might come face to face with him. He then cups my face in his hands and slowly plants tender kisses on it. As he does this he whispers to me.

"I want to be taken by you, Hephaistion…I want it to be known, if only between the two of us…that_ I_ was yours even before you were mine…do you understand?"

He looks up at me, waiting for a response. Even with him lying down, Alexander has managed to tilt his head to the side again, and after a moment I do understand why he wants this. There will always be people in Alexander's world, including his bed. There may be more than I feel willing to share him with, but it is a fact that simply cannot be ignored. But before all of it happens, before Alexander has the chance to submit to another, he wishes to first submit to me. He will always be mine. The gesture means a lot coming from him, and I soon find myself smiling.

"Yes, I understand, Alexander, of course I do…"

He sighs, returning a small smile, almost as if in contemplation.

"I have always loved you, Hephaistion, I just didn't realize it." He pauses to sigh, "How could I have not realized…? I love you so much…"

I brush a few strands of hair from his face. "And I you, my prince."

I reach for the stand next to the bed.

"What are you doing?"

"I was going to get-"

He shakes his head in disapproval. Then after reaching for my arm and bringing it back he runs his hands over my arms, up and down in smooth motions.

"I don't want any preparation, Phai', I only want you. I want you now."

I know it's simply the authority he's been raised to give, but it was more or less a command. Either way, command or request, it was one that I gladly gave in to.

--

It is morning, but still very early; the sun is only beginning to peak in the distance. I sit up cross legged, facing the windows. It's hard to keep my mind from replaying recent events over and over. Love. Who knew it would be my unknown emotion? I love Alexander, and he loves me. How strange a thought, but he is right. I have always loved him.

"Phai'?"

I hear Alexander fumble a few moments before he settles behind me. He sits with his legs on either side of me, his knees up, and wraps his arms around my shoulders. I feel his chin rest on my right shoulder and his warm breath on my neck as he speaks.

"It is too early, Phai'…What are you doing?" He sounds incredibly sleepy. I smile.

"I was simply contemplating."

"About what?"

"I don't remember; you interrupted my thoughts."

He chuckles and lowers his head so his forehead rests against my shoulder.

It is extremely quiet, more so than usual. Minutes later, I figure out why.

"It has stopped raining."

"So it has."

"You do not sound glad."

He yawns. "I will be glad when I am once again asleep with you in my arms."

"…Then I shan't keep you waiting."

I allow him to bring me with him under the covers, and as he embraces me I feel a sudden calmness. I feel complete; the void has been filled. Alexander and I were made from two halves. Where he goes, I will follow. Where he stays, I will never stray. Although his father may rule over this land, it is Alexander who rules over my heart, and whatever he asks of me, I will do without hesitation. For how could I refuse the man I love? I smile, feeling myself drift farther into sleep. Who am I to say no to my king?


End file.
